A SATIRICAL PARODY

Today, Senator Ted Cruz introduced what he describes as landmark legislation that requires any jurisdiction within the United States that harbors a legislator who has fled their jurisdiction in order to prevent the legislature from doing its job be arrested and returned to their home state by force. As stated by Senator Cruz, “Here we go again. It is not enough that Sanctuary Cities are harboring rapists and murderers within our borders, now they are sheltering Democratic State legislators from Texas. Sanctuary cities are defying the law by permitting legislative fugitives to remain outside of the enforcement powers of any individual state. State-issued warrants are not enough. We need to pass, as expeditiously as possible, federal legislation, legislation I am in the process of drafting. It is entitled, The Fugitive Legislator Act of 2025, and I already have lined up 53 co-sponsors. The draft is near completion. I am distributing some excerpts from the proposed legislation.”

The Fugitive Legislator Act

Section One

Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled, That the persons who have been, or may hereafter be, appointed commissioners, in virtue of any act of Congress, by the Circuit Courts of the United States, and Who, in consequence of such appointment, are authorized to exercise the powers that any justice of the peace, or other magistrate of any of the United States, may exercise in respect to offenders for any  crime or offense against the United States, by arresting, imprisoning, or bailing the same under and by the virtue of the thirty-third section of the act of the twenty-fourth of September seventeen hundred and eighty-nine, entitled “An Act to establish the judicial courts of the United States” shall be, and are hereby, authorized and required to exercise and discharge all the powers and duties conferred by this act.

Section Two

And be it further enacted, That the Circuit Courts of the United States shall from time to time enlarge the number of the commissioners, with a view to afford reasonable facilities to reclaim fugitives from their duties as elected representatives from any State legislature, and to the prompt discharge of the duties imposed by this act.

Section Three

And be it further enacted, That the commissioners above named shall have concurrent jurisdiction with the judges of the Circuit and District Courts of the United States, in their respective circuits and districts within the several States, and the judges of the Superior Courts, collectively, in term-time and vacation; shall grant certificates to such claimants, upon satisfactory proof being made, with authority to take and remove such fugitives from legislative duties, under the restrictions herein contained, to the State from which such persons escaped from.

Section Four

And be it further enacted, That, upon affidavit made by the representative or agent of the Speaker or Majority Leader of a state’s legislature, after such certificate has been issued, that he has reason to apprehend that such fugitive will he rescued by force from his or their possession before he can be taken beyond the limits of the State in which the arrest is made, it shall be the duty of the officer making the arrest to retain such fugitive in his custody, and to remove him to the State whence he fled, and there to deliver him to said claimant. And to this end, the officer aforesaid is hereby authorized and required to employ so many persons as he may deem necessary to overcome such force, and to retain them in his service so long as circumstances may require. The said officer and his assistants, while so employed, to receive the same compensation, and to be allowed the same expenses, as are now allowed by law for transportation of criminals, to be certified by the judge of the district within which the arrest is made, and paid out of the treasury of the United States.

Section Five

And be it further enacted, That any person who shall knowingly and willingly obstruct, hinder, or prevent such claimant, his agent or attorney, or any person or persons lawfully assisting him, her, or them, from arresting such a fugitive from legislative duties, either with or without process as aforesaid, or shall rescue, or attempt to rescue, such fugitive, from the custody of such claimant, his or her agent or attorney, or other person or persons lawfully assisting as aforesaid, when so arrested, pursuant to the authority herein given and declared; or shall aid, abet, or assist such person so owing legislative service as aforesaid, directly or indirectly, to escape from such claimant, his agent or attorney, or other person or persons legally authorized as aforesaid; or shall harbor or conceal such fugitive, so as to prevent the discovery and arrest of such person, after notice or knowledge of the fact that such person was a fugitive from legislative duties as aforesaid, shall, for either of said offences, be subject to a fine not exceeding one hundred thousand dollars, and imprisonment not exceeding sixty months, by indictment and conviction before the District Court of the United States for the district in which such offence may have been committed; and shall moreover forfeit and pay, by way of civil damages to the party injured by such illegal conduct, the sum of ten thousand dollars for each fugitive so lost as aforesaid, to be recovered by action of debt, in any of the District or Territorial Courts aforesaid, within whose jurisdiction the said offence may have been committed.